Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Paw à Dieu

I as am wont to do, I shall begin today's spewvective with the word so.  So, not sure where I am headed today.  I am enjoying two things, both weird in some ways, and making me a smidgen pensive in their meaning.  First, I am enjoying blogging.  I am enjoying the act of writing my innermost, or as innermost as I currently capable, thoughts and throwing them out there.  I am enjoying the accountability of knowing that people I know, love and trust can read these words, even if not now, but eventually, and I want to be held to that standard of honesty.  It matters to me, and is great practice.  I am enjoying having a blog and having 5 readers a day.  It makes me feel connected to the world.  I am trying to balance those two things, of feeling a need for honesty with the love of entertaining all 5 of you, or touching you or just plain amusing you.   That balance is something I am keen to be mindful of, as I have a penchant for self-aggrandization, like most people with the self-esteem of a rabid goat.  

The second is most perplexing to me, in what I am enjoying these days.  I am enjoying being uncomfortable with something.  I am really enjoying how much discomfort and the fact that it grows more each day.  I am deeply enjoying how shitty I feel when I am alone.  I was alone most of the evening last night, reading and writing and I hated it.  I felt the urge to reach out, not in some yucky way on some yucky msg board or something, but in making real connections.  It would have been a great night for an Al-Anon meeting, methinks, but I was alone because my wife was attending one and we didn't get a babysitter.  I am sitting cockeyed, head tilted, with a quizzical look, much like my Jack Russell's get when presented with an interesting or new challenge.  I kinda like that. 

I am still pondering the whole self-pity question from yesterday.  I see so much how I give in and let it drive the bus.  I don't actively sit around, as most of my fellow depressives know, and say "woe is me, I suck monkey nuts", but a more subtle, more insidious tape recording plays over and over and over and just sucks all life from my soul.   It isn't a good thing, and can make a man curse God, or bark at the moon. 

1 comment:

  1. "I am deeply enjoying how shitty I feel when I am alone."

    I, also, have come to appreciate those times when I find myself asking, with some discomfort & emptiness, "What am I going to do with myself now?"

    For me, the sense of it is like "catching up with myself." My outer world (activities, obsessions, etc.) have slowed down enough to allow my inner world to (like my shadow at noon) re-attach itself.

    I've also been finding that instead of being all cerebral & task oriented by deciding what to do from a prioritized list making process, that sitting still & doing nothing for a while (really marinating in the empty place) is usually the best approach.

    Then, a while later, I find myself popping up and doing something. It might be work, it might be fun, but it's probably something I haven't done in a long time and wouldn't have even remembered to put on a list of possible activities.

    I remember one 12 Step book -- I think from CoDA -- that likens this process to feeling so empty that one hears the wind ripping through the place where one's heart/soul used to be. It continues to say that in time the pain diminishes and a richly rewarding relationship with one's own inner world/ Higher Power later comes to dwell in that exact same location.