Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Bang Your Head! Metal Health Will Drive You Mad....

This scares the hell out of me.  It almost scares me to death, to be frank.  I played a lot of competitive sports as a kid, through my twenties and early thirties.  Sports for me inevitably involved me being knocked out cold.  No joke.  In some sort of macho, testosterone-induced masochism, I would partake in only sports that were violent (hockey, football) or sports I could make violent (soccer, baseball).  I led with my thick skull and initiated more than a few fights which involved knuckles bouncing off my pretty face and granite-lick cranium.  I feel for Mr. Duerson and his family. 

I wish I knew if there was some causality to the depression I've faced.  I certainly haven't had the sheer quantity or intensity of the collisions that a pro athlete faced, I still know that there if they took a slice of my brain, there are significant Tau proteins gumming up the works.  It scares me in light of my inability to complete rid myself of depression.  I've been depressed, as far as I can tell, for the last 7.5 years.  There've been no real non-depressed moments in that time.  There's been an ebb and flow in the severity, like now where it is more dysthymic than major depression, but it never leaves totally.  I worry, worry, worry, that I am never going to feel normal again.  I saw this cartoon today, it spoke volumes.   I can't shake the sense that it just isn't ever going to be right, what with the abuse, neglect, self-mutilation, shame & even the physiological effects working against my, like the tide rolling in and me with a bucket with a hole in it.


  1. "I had a paper-cut once..."

    Oh, at least those heal...

  2. Kudos on that cartoon.

    It was funny: during my 4 "California years" almost everyone in my inner circles (girlfriend, sponsees) had clinical depression (officially diagnosed and prescribed medications for). Before that it was only more casual acquaintances.

    I learned some important lessons during that time, one of which is that it doesn't go away on its own. Without ongoing, DAILY and multi-faceted treatment it comes back. And when it comes back sometime the person who has it doesn't think it's a problem (while the others are terrified of its return).

    I also better understood the life threatening horror of people who play doctor by saying (without a medical degree, DSM or brain scans) "You don't have this medical condition and so if you take Rxs you're in relapse and I won't befriend/ sponsor you." I don't want to misrepresent AA/NA -- only a certain percentage are prejudiced/ uninformed in that way -- but it has a nasty bad impact.

    Anyway, as an analogy for various conditions, I really appreciate that cartoon.