Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Day Spent Fishing

Don't really like fishing.  Seems cruel to my gentle soul.  But I am reeling a bit.  Not in some terrible way, just from the hardness of my T session and coming to grips with realizing how much I hurt myself, over and over, with the same repetitions of the very trauma I've sought to escape.  It seems so sad, so very, very sad that I've done that to myself over and over.  It isn't funny, nor is it deniable in any way.  It is who I've become and I am a little distraught over it, to be total honest.  I hurt myself, in the exact same way that I've been hurt.  I re-victimize myself.  It make me well with emotion to even consider that I've done that to my self.  But I have, and I haven't even been aware.  

 My wife sat me down today and asked me what would happen when work became boring.  She looked me straight in the eye and asked me what would happen when I wasn't getting the big brain validation any more and I got restless, where would I turn.  It was a rotten question, even if it is entirely valid.  I held myself together as much as I could and said to her that I had no idea, I was working on much more basic shit at the moment.  I haven't shared with her the outcome of my T session yesterday, mainly b/c I am afraid of getting into a whole "you are a cheating douche-nozzle who I don't even know" conversation.  I am those things, but it is still so raw for her that I am not able to share any context.  

Why did I cheat?  Easy in the context of my T session yesterday, and something that I've had some awareness to.  It wasn't a sex addiction thing, that just isn't where I was at.  It is as easy as having two sisters violently sexually abused for years and subsequently going off the rails and no longer being function human beings.  It is as simple as the violently sexually abused mother who tried to escape her childhood traumas but never did, disappearing one day when I was 10, two weeks after her abusing step-father passed away, never truly to be heard from again as a parent.  I've never made it back from either the immediate nor progressive nature of the horrors inflicted on me by the culmulative horrors inflicted upon them.  Not an excuse, but in the context of me going outside my marriage, to find the most fucked up and damaged women I could, to run a gambit of trying to bring safety and stability into their lives...   It was myself replaying my life's traumas in a short beat.  Everyone of them, and there were 3 longer relationships in the last 3 years, was the same abused, broken and neglected person as the last, and the same as my tormentors.  I saw it at the end, in the last person, who was very much my most abused sister's latent twin and it repulsed me.   I saw what I was doing and decided to stop.  

It still hurts to write these things, and I am reeling from the scars I've caused my gentle inner kid.  I've really hurt him, and I am sad for that.  I've spent most of my adult life consciously protecting that 10 year old, yet I was also his greatest tormentor.  I am those things, and in that I reel.   

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