Thursday, February 3, 2011

Much Too Clever, by Half

It has been a long, emotionally wrought day for me.  That emotionality has been mostly self-inflicted and self-directed.  I've been a bit of a hot mess, in the feelings department over the last couple of days and having figured out the triggering event, having worked through my feelings and having talked about my actions that brought this together really has been very gritty.  I am feeling like I've taken one layer of protective covering off the place in my brain that allows my conscious emotional state to exist, rubbed it raw with sandpaper out of necessity and am now waiting for it to stop being so raw, entrench my gains with some peace, only to run it all raw again, until I get to something approximating an honest emotional state.  

I love to read about neuroscience and neurophysiology, along with neuropsych.   I am a fan of Daniel Goleman's work on isolating the emotional pathways along primal and non-primal routings.  In that vein, I am convinced, now with a little hindsight, that I must simply have the most awesomest, most developped, most ripped Limbic system in all of humanity.  I swear, I can actually feel the overwhelming bulk of my amygdala pressing against the hardness of my brain cavity.  I have an emotion, it is anger.  And primal anger at that, with a soupcon of rage thrown in, all finished in the sous-vide with a tower of self-pity thrown on top.  It is exhausting living every minute as though you are in mortal peril.  It is such a pathogen, being universally constrained to only a basic emotional state.  

Self-pity has been a theme for me in the last few days of writing, because quite frankly, I've let it consume so much of my life and let it come to define me as a person.  I am withdrawn, surly and depressed. I am the first to recognize the chemical nature of the problem I am struggling with.  I am the first to recognize that I've earned my depression, through both genetics and experience.  But what I am saying is that I've had enough, hit bottom so to speak, with letting it fully define me.  Inside, there's a pretty decent guy who generally has a warm, and big heart.  I want to be him on the outside, as much as I can, for as long as I can. 

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