Monday, February 14, 2011

Waiting for the Hammer

It was rough and hard and nasty and foul and repulsive.   I was devastated.  I felt like my innards were going to come out my outards all in one fell swoop.  And then I realized how much she must have been hurting and how rotten that made me as a human being, that I was so mean and so cruel.  She's resilient, but it doesn't matter, in one moment, I was raging and screaming at a 9 year old in a way that didn't reflect how I believe a loving father should be.  I am still sad, sad at my ability to hurt her, even if I had some reason to be angry, my response was so out of proportion to her actions.  

There is a story to this, and it starts with my "man cancer" 4 years ago.  Due to the loss of a testicle and the trauma to the other one, my ability to produce testosterone was greatly diminished.  I hadn't really the sign that every thinks should happen, in a Bob Dole late night TV kinda way, so I didn't make a big deal at first, but with the floating tree of depression, and low T being a major factor, I decided, along with my Dr., to try T-replacement therapy.  Being the do-anything-for-a-dollar kinda guy I am, he asked me at the time if I'd try a new therapy that involved a little tab that you shoved up under your lip and in the crevice of your gums, just above your incisors.  So, other than a really messy set up, these buccal tabs introduced WAY too much T into my system.  Like Pro Wrestler, NFL Linemen levels of T.  I raged out at everything and was constantly in a state of out of control arousal.  We ended up with an approach that made a steady level for me, and all was well.  

Recently, we moved back to the Northern Socialized paradise, and there were a couple of new methods of replacement available, most notably, an oral med.  I've tried it, I've liked it, except for the stomach upset and the nausea for the first 30 mins after taking it.  Well, having felt a little blue, I was thinking I should adjust my dose a bit and add an additional caplet to my regimen.  I did that last evening.  There appears to be about a 12-16 hour lag time on constant use and that left me with an elevated level this AM.  This is the root of my downfall.

She said something really rude to me, as all 9yr olds start to do as they test their boundaries.  I leapt right in her face and screamed at the top of my lungs at her.  I cannot remember being that angry at anything or anyone and I was hopelessly paralyzed for a few minutes.  I couldn't believe what I had done.  I was an awful, rotten person.  

It took me about 30 minutes to figure it all out, as I was about to pop my morning dose after a coffee.  I was soothed, but still devastated.  I don't want to ever be that person.  It was wrong and I was so sorry, and I am so sorry.  I wish I could take it back and not have taken that extra pill.  The BATO (beautiful and talented one) was very supportive and keyed in right away and asked me about my meds.  (She's pretty smart and smart pretty).  We had a beautiful evening eating pink pancakes that the 9yr old made and I tried to make it up a little by getting the kids some sweet valentine's presents, but I still feel bad.  In retrospect, knowing that something is out of your control is one thing, living with the consequences is another.

1 comment:

  1. Yo...

    Hey... we all been there. We have all had an atomic meltdown around our kids. I have felt the feelings of self-loathing after doing so.

    I will never forget the day that I first heard another person in an AA meeting share how he had been irresponsible with his behaviour around his kids.

    It was like soothing oil poured over my mind and heart. I was no longer the only one who had behaved this way. For so many years, I thought I was.

    And think back, how many of us were yelled at or smacked by our parents. Yet we got past it.

    The more of life I live, the more I see how our society is creating impossible expectations for parents. Your account of your behaviour, although wrong, would have been typical a generation ago. Not that it should have happened then, but it did and we got through it as the kids on the receiving end of things.

    The incident is over. Now its time for change. Not sappy apologies or pay-offs with treats. But change. If you are out of control, get help. Get the help you need.

    Thats what it took for me to stop drinking and raging.

    You are not unique, you are not alone.

    Many of us have been where you describe you have been. Learn from it, change, make amends, build a new tomorrow. It will eventually overshadow the harms of the past.