Friday, February 4, 2011

Help, I've Done it Again

Saw the T again for the first time in two weeks today.  She got me the full 6 sessions through the Employee Assistance Program, cause she told them I'd had suicidal ideation.  Gotta respect that, now don't we kids.  It was a pretty good session, which I usually judge on how shitty and worn out I feel afterwards.  The more I feel like I've scrubbed the innerbeing with sandpaper to clear off a layer, the better I feel about my progress.  Sounds sadistic, but with some experience on doing T, I know that in a day or two, there will be re-growth and a small movement forward.  

I think the most meaningful part of the T was the way we talked about why it is that I've done some of the things I've done.  We went through the history, the abandonment, the physical and sexual abuse, the emotional violence, the traumas and all that ancillary fun and games that I call a past.  It has at times, I've seen, in both weight and mass taken a T or two a step or two back with the sheer magnitude of it all.  I say that in the same context as I said yesterday, harking on my amazing resiliency at overcoming trauma.  I earned that ability, through experience and scarring.   But, alas, I digress on a thought of yesterday. 

She asked me whether I had anything going with anyone "on the side."  I answered honestly that I didn't, and that the only contact I've had with anyone is to break contact if they contacted me.  She sounded a little shocked, it seemed, and repeated the question.  I was earnest and honest that I've done nothing.  I am truly not going there, at least in the current context.  It makes me feel so damn yucky, something I told my T and I am want nothing to do with feeling yucky like that again.  She's a clever one, my T and we pursued that on and off for the rest of the hour - the why and how I feel yucky.   

So, I am quite aware that I've pursued these "mini-dramas", not for the sex, because I am pretty ok without, but more so as a mechanism to change my focus from the crippling nature of the depression hell I've been living in.  I feel panicky?   I search out things that make it so that I can feel something different, something with the facade of validation.  But, after saying this, my T pressed me and asked me about the women I'd spent time with and why I felt so yucky about it.  It isn't what you'd think, something that I can't easily explain, nor have I been able to.  I seem to have picked, over and over again, the most damaged women to spend my time on.  Really.  Like, all victims of abuse as children, in abusive or vile relationships currently and in need of a wonderful man like moi to sweep them away and save them.  I've know there is a pattern, because I get so infected by the craziness of these women, or I did, that I end up further depressed, and moving to the next.  

The denouement?   She called me an emotional cutter.  She said in my depressed and self-loathing I would go and seek out inevitably hurtful situations, where I could re-enact the most basic features of the my childhood traumas and experience them all over again.  I could be hurt, badly, by someone who had lost all capacity to stop the hurt themselves.  I found them, because I attract them like sugar water.  It is as clear a sonar ping as I may have ever received.  Even now, many hours later, I feel the physical impact of the verity of those words.  I hurt myself, to ease the pain.  

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