Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Don't Have to Live Like a Refugee

It's a bright day on a dark day.  I slept like I was hooked up to that machine again, waking every 30 mins or so and never really falling asleep.  Then I had to wake up extra early, which I am undyingly fond of ( I am super awesome functional before 10am and only 1 Jet Fuel K-Cup Coffee), to head out to work and pretend to be functional as a humanoid.  I was gassed at about 10am even with 4 cups of high octane java.  But I soldiered on and made the best, doing the odd thing or three to convince my corporate masters that I was indeed, their most worthy boy.

It is a weird sensation at work these days, something I haven't experienced since my early days at "that place".  I am the wunderkind again, the odd genius who challenges everything and seems to have some weird sentient ability to comprehend the systemically incomprehensible.  That I can understand extremely complex things across 4 dimensions isn't the part that makes me the deity that some mortals treat me like, it is the ability to distill those complexities down to simple principles, tweak the knobs and dials and then understand without even thinking what the implications will be and define in seconds how we can get there.  We are talking spaceships to the moon levels of systemic complexity, I kid you not.  This is a load of sarcasm, I understand, but it does explain some of my more unique corporate talents and why so many people have historically put up with my shenanigans and over-wrought emotionality.  I bring the intellectual pain, so to speak.  

I share this, with actually the opposite of intents than might be divined.  I am not seeking admiration or self-aggrandizement.  I am feeling this new feeling that I want to share.  I am grateful for something about myself.  I have never lost that intellectual high-order, most complex systems on the planet understanding.  I have lost most of my planning and bureaucratic skills, most of my ability to make things happen through sheer will power, but I've never lost that analytical package.  I've stayed gainfully employed at a somewhat ridiculous wage scale because I have that gift.  It is a gift, because I didn't do much to build it, its just always been there.  I am one lucky mofo on this day.  I am loved and admired for something that has never left me, and had it, I wouldn't be here, I'd be living on the street, begging for quarters.  Even thought depression has robbed me of every other meaningful employable skill, it never took my skillzzzzz...   

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