Paw à Dieu

I as am wont to do, I shall begin today's spewvective with the word so.  So, not sure where I am headed today.  I am enjoying two things, both weird in some ways, and making me a smidgen pensive in their meaning.  First, I am enjoying blogging.  I am enjoying the act of writing my innermost, or as innermost as I currently capable, thoughts and throwing them out there.  I am enjoying the accountability of knowing that people I know, love and trust can read these words, even if not now, but eventually, and I want to be held to that standard of honesty.  It matters to me, and is great practice.  I am enjoying having a blog and having 5 readers a day.  It makes me feel connected to the world.  I am trying to balance those two things, of feeling a need for honesty with the love of entertaining all 5 of you, or touching you or just plain amusing you.   That balance is something I am keen to be mindful of, as I have a penchant for self-aggrandization, like most people with the self-esteem of a rabid goat.  

The second is most perplexing to me, in what I am enjoying these days.  I am enjoying being uncomfortable with something.  I am really enjoying how much discomfort and the fact that it grows more each day.  I am deeply enjoying how shitty I feel when I am alone.  I was alone most of the evening last night, reading and writing and I hated it.  I felt the urge to reach out, not in some yucky way on some yucky msg board or something, but in making real connections.  It would have been a great night for an Al-Anon meeting, methinks, but I was alone because my wife was attending one and we didn't get a babysitter.  I am sitting cockeyed, head tilted, with a quizzical look, much like my Jack Russell's get when presented with an interesting or new challenge.  I kinda like that. 

I am still pondering the whole self-pity question from yesterday.  I see so much how I give in and let it drive the bus.  I don't actively sit around, as most of my fellow depressives know, and say "woe is me, I suck monkey nuts", but a more subtle, more insidious tape recording plays over and over and over and just sucks all life from my soul.   It isn't a good thing, and can make a man curse God, or bark at the moon.