Monday, February 28, 2011

Sing a Song of Sweetness

There is no specific thought or theme in my mind as I sit down to wordvomit.  I am cognizant of the fact that there is peace in simply exercising the disciplines of writing of my inner sanctum.  The day, in and of itself, was not remarkable, though my grumpiness at work was noticeable, it didn't translate to the homespace, as I spent the evening nurturing the kiddies and playing games and sports.  It seems a little strange to have that paradigm inverted, but I'll take it 100 fold.   

Tomorrow is the counseling with the SO.  I am a little nervous, as I am sure I have to tell the "story".  It makes me feel great shame to tell where I ended up, and more than a little denuding to tell wherein I came from.  I guess from my last T session I feel a little better as she asked me what percentage of survivors of childhood abuses like I suffered truly survive to have "successful" lives.  I hemmed and hawed, and she talked about massive longitudinal research studies, murders, suicides, incarcerations, institutionalization and told me that only 12% of people who've lived my life have survived.  1 in 8.33 I whipped back at her.  It floored me more than a little, and still to this moment fills my heart with some emotion that I can't shake.  Maybe pride, maybe guilt, maybe doubt?  I don't know.  But while I have wallowed greatly in my ocean of self-pity, hanging on by a thread, I have in fact, hung in there.  I guess, even at the weakest correlation, that is somewhat amazing.  

The fact is, that I know that 1 in 8 all too well and can simply expand my personal horizon to my own wider family and see that that ratio holds true, and then some.  It is sad, sad, sad.  I am not crazy, as we talked about with my T, and the most probable conclusion we could draw is that I've never stopped fighting back.  As I said in the concussion post, I will brawl until the death, just give me a chance.  I know others who've fought, but mostly with themselves.  I fought my torment, my tormentors and never stopped.  Maybe that's the deal, but I don't know.  But I'll take it for now, and sleep soundly.   

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