Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I Wanteth but Can Not Yet Haveth

I mean it.  I am not kidding, nor am I playing.  I am serious, and I wish I could make that unequivocally clear.  My wonderful and talented wife is struggling with my betrayal, and I wish I had a magic wand to fix it.  I believe she wants to make it work, I do, but I also know she is hurt by my actions.  I can't say more than I am sorry and that I will do anything I need to, in order to make it right.  That is not out of some preservatory instinct of saving my home and hearth, but a simple truth of my realization that it is what I want.  

I never meant for it to get like this, to be so low in my flow as to seek shelter in puddles of acid.  I never meant for that.  But my head hasn't been right for a long time, 7.5 years, like I said yesterday.  My depression, a wicked, wicked beast, put me in a place where I made all the wrong choices.  But therein lies the rub, it was a choice, or repeated choices, and for that I am, and I am alone responsible.  I need to own my choices and be accountable.  I didn't cheat because she is a bad person, I did so to play out a drama to soothe my inner torment.  I didn't have to do that, but I did.  It cannot be differently said.  I could have done a thousand things, but I chose to do something that would hurt someone I hold very dear the most.  

You might ask if it is because she is some wallflower that she is seeking to make this work.  It is in no way true, and in fact is diametrically the opposite from my perspective.  She's gotten so much better in the last few years, and is so much more aware, and has grown as I have shrunk.  She can care about me, even in this state, and even in this place, becuase she is strong.  But she feels de-valued, and I can't fix that with a bon mot or two.  I wish, and want nothing more than to ease her burden.  This isn't about her, it is about me and my failings, my going untreated for a brain ravaging disease, choosing the safety of a replay of my causal pschyo-dramas over being a grown man and asking for, and getting help.  I am not self-flagellating, I am speaking my truth in the hope that I can be better for accepting it.  

I want what I can not have, some sanity and safe harbor for her.  At least not yet.   But I want it more than anything I have ever wanted.  

No comments:

Post a Comment