Feeling the pressure. On all fronts. In some ways, I feel like I've entered the kill zone and am being subtly threatened from the front and my flanks. Not in some paranoid way of others seeking to harm, just the realization that I've got some stuff coming at me that is taking a great gulp of my psychic energies.
Work is stressful, as I am dealing with an influx of corporate masters all eager to look at the new toy. I am, as I've said, that new toy. They're eager as beans to talk with the big brain who has a knack for making all the other big brains do big brain things like come up with revolutionary ideas to retool the whole place on the same scale as the original business retooled the industry we live in. We'll see, but tomorrow is a presentation to all the biggest poobaahs and poobettes about the "thing". Nervous, but confident all at the same time.
Got an email from an old friend outlining a betrayal that rocked their world and that they never have overcome. It killed me in light of my betrayal and the impact of that on my SO. I am feeling, maybe a good thing, the impact of her hurt and I am in a bit of self-loathing around it. I feel like I am at risk, if not now, but later, of losing her and it scares me. I told her that today, and it scared me to even tell her.
A couple of days ago, I asked the SO about marriage counselling and if she'd call a friend we have who's in the business and see if she'd make a recommendation. The response was a recommendation and a request that I call said friend. I called her this afternoon, from a conference room at work, and she asked me to outline what has been going on with me. I told her and she asked me a bunch more questions. Then she started pushing me a bit to see if I understood that I was dealing with deep-seeded stuff, not just the present. I told her that I was entirely aware of the psychodynamic nature of my issues and that I was in deep. We talked some more, and she was really supportive, cautioning to take things slow. Then she dropped a bomb on me.
I will leave this post with the question she asked that rocked me back into my seat and slammed my heart into my spine. She asked me. "Who in your life is a positive male role model that you want to be like, that you aspire to be like and who you'd take positive feedback from?"
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Feel free to delete this comment; I just thought perhaps no one else might mention it.