Sitting at my desk, trying desperately to find the spark of inspiration that'll allow me to actually get something more than the random set of things that I get done most days. You know, the common drudgery that most corporate entities expect their humble and grateful peons to perform in order to move the one pile of virtual paper to another. I haven't really been able to do that for quite a while, maybe even counting into the years, except for brief moments of defenestration-inducing agony where I literally forced myself to complete it.
I am struggling, in particular, with the most gruesome self-immolation today. I am beating myself with reeds on the inside. I am feeling so deeply, so intimately the shame, the searing shame on my person, of my actions. I feel so weak and powerless, so out of control for having succumbed to something, anything, to mask my inner torment. For, if you didn't know, or hadn't looked it up on Wikipedia, I am the Universal King of Self-Control. I don't do anything, say anything, even think anything unless I am 100% sure of the outcome on the other end. I avoid all things, all intoxicants, all stupefiants, all risks that I might lose the control I have exercised so greatly on myself, my family, my wife and my work. But mostly, I have tried to control the horror I've felt inside seeping out. I've always felt that should I even let out a little of what's inside, it will all come out at once, out of control and spew my toxic venom allover everything and everyone...
So I am an addict. A control addict. Of the most cliché persuasion. Born into a drug addicted, sexual abusing, raging and alcoholic home, I've grown up into a marginally functional grown man, who's survived surprisingly well for the tools I've acquired. That last little bit of self-validation, while important, does but cause a tiny ripple of positivity in the sea of crushing despair I feel on the inside. Pithy and self-absorbed? Of course! But I don't really know any other way...
"I am feeling so deeply, so intimately the shame, the searing shame on my person, of my actions."
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this description, and remember what it's been like for me when I've felt like that, I find myself wondering if you've ever heard of Patrick Carnes' cycle of addiction, and if you have, if you find yourself relating to it or not.
His idea is that feelings of shame and fantasizing about how good it would feel ("acting in") lead to doing the behaviors ("acting out") which lead to feelings of shame which feels so bad that to get relief one starts to find themselves fantasizing about how good it would feel ("acting in") which eventually leads one to participate in the behaviors again ("acting out") etc., etc.
Of course, I'm sure that's not how it is for everyone. But since I found that when I read your description it reminded me so much of how true it is for me (that shame is part of the addiction cycle, a consequence of acting out and an encourager to act out again, which has really impacted how I deal with feelings of shame: they're symptoms of addiction which encourage & reinforce the addictive cycle) that I was curious about your point of view or experience with that.