Sunday, January 23, 2011

A Diseased Heart

Past and present.  Someone said something very profound to me today.  It went something like this:  "I am always figuring out, in my mind, scheming and calculating, what my reaction will be to every potential outcome or situation that I might face".  My brain runs overdrive doing exactly that.  I literally, as recent events have shown, run myself into exhaustion in planning and controlling what may/might/could happen.  

I do it, I think, as a primal learned response to protecting myself from pain of being let down and disappointed.  I don't handle that very well. I am ready with a response, and have cleared the pathways in my emotional brain centers to being ready to deal.  

I haven't the writer's bug today, so I am short the drive to spew my guts on here, which I expected, but I also promised to write even when I don't feel like it.  Like all this, I am trying to do little things to change my behavior, and actually being accountable to myself and something I committed to (i.e. this blog), I am not going to bail out on before my 21 days.  

All that said, I am doing better, I think, but I know the hard work is ahead. 

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