Bang a Gong

Went and saw the new counselor yesterday for the first time.  Walking in the room, it was everything I fear, the artsy decor, the slightly bohemian dress and books about Freud strategically placed all over the place, to remind me of my inner conflict with my Id, or some such.  Well, not to leave too much suspense, but the session was very, very promising.  She, and it wasn't my choice for a she, just what the Employee Assistance Program assigned me, was very serious and very in touch with the places I want to go.  The 4-pack a day, Marge Simpson's sisters voice aside, she challenged me and I really appreicated it.  Two things she said really resonated:

• She told me that if I wasn't serious about making change in my life, she'd refer me to someone else.  I was kinda taken aback, and that was obviously the goal, because I was like  "if you think I am just here to placate someone else (the wife perhaps), or that I am thinking this will be some easy road, you are crazier than me".
• She also told me that I was obviously very self aware and had a good grasp on what I needed to overcome, something she said can take years of therapy to get to the point of.  She may have been patronizing me under the guise of trust-building, but I don't care, it was validation and I need a little to keep moving forward at this point.

Told my boss yesterday that life has kinda gone sideways for me, especially at home and that I am really distracted.  He was supportive, but I got the sense that as a wunderkind, nothing short of me getting up on his desk and taking a vicious dump would leave me less than fully loved.  I hate feeling that way, to be totally honest, because it feels like a bit of an enabling factor.  For many years in my last job, or at least the last few before they paid me a lofty sum to go away, I could breeze into any situation and make a few pointed, but as yet unconsidered observations, and be deified for my almighty intellect.  Then of course, free to wander off into the desert and be totally checked out and do no real work until the next call on the Batphone to Mt.Zion.  I want to be accountable to others, maybe as a crutch for having no internal feeling of accountability.  See, this blogging stuff really does work, I just had a moment of subtle realization, in that last sentence.  Hmmmmm, gotta noodle on that. 

So, a day of baby steps, of doing lots of small things that reflect or enact a change in behavior.