Friday, January 28, 2011

Bitch Slapping Happy

Just being brief.  I need some bitch slapping.  Work is going fantastic, couldn't be better, I am getting tons of validation and admiration.  That's great, but maybe not the healthiest, because I am finding myself creating situations at work where people are going to tell me how awesome I am, with the only useful outcome being that I hear it.  I am going to work on being more conscious of my neediness, and try to be aware of what and when I feel that trigger.  By any measure, objective or subjective, my work product is incredible, but my shoving it in other's faces merely for gratification doesn't strike me as terribly healthy.  Feels a little good to be aware of that, to be totally honest. 

I attended an Al-Anon meeting tonight.  It was very helpful.  I walked away seeing myself in the stories of the people around the table and heartened to hear how it was helping them.  I want some of that.  It also left me with a great deal of gratitude, unexpectedly, that my life, while challenging at times, does not suffer from anywhere near the acute nature of insanity and active drama that some other people around the table's does.  It makes me grateful that I haven't some of the hurdles that I heard of real challenges that cause real hurt.  It left me hopeful.  

My lack of self-esteem is chronic and infecting.  It doesn't get much simpler than that.  Without anything healthy in my heart in my view of myself, I leave myself defenseless to neagtive thinking and reaching for anything to make that hurt go away.  I just never learned anything healthy.  It appears I actually was raised by wolves, after all.    

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