Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Not Yet a Woman...

Life is rolling.  It is moving in fits and sputters, but unlike much of the last 4 years, it is moving.  I am feeling quasi-human, and that's a start.  I am still fighting the depression, and still get wrapped around the axle on feeling ashamed and humiliated by what I've done.  I can't say it clearer than that.  Not sure what to do at the moment with that, though I have a clear sense that that shame and the corresponding self-sabotage are what is singularly standing between me and the next gatepost.  I am not seeking a life of denial and to launch myself headlong into the abyss of "solving" that problem.  What I am going to undertake is patience, and try some self-understanding.  I want to lift the veil of shame and live more freely of who I am.  On the surface, and even at my core, I know that most people think I am the cat's meow and not the dog's breakfast.  But the absence of anything to buttress my shame and loneliness against leaves me bereft of substance enough to feel any peace.

I attended a meeting tonight, an open AA meeting where a friend was speaking.  He is a great guy I've met through ACOA and listening to his story, as usual, I heard much of my own.  He spoke of never having felt like he belonged, of always having to have a prop to get people to like him, of being a teller of tall tales that amused people enough that they'd like him.  That's my story too.  I don't remember ever feeling secure in and of myself.  He also spoke of enjoying being alone.  I so know that feeling, and to this day will withdraw into a vacuum of human interaction if you let me.  

On a side, but related note, I have sworn of the internet porn thing for a while, because I think I've been using it as a crutch of avoidance.  It can be so compelling to get that rush of testosterone, and to overwhelm my feelings of inadequacy with feelings of manliness.  Not so different from the place I ended up with serial infidelity, where it was more about living out Oedipal compulsions and sub-conscious impulses than it ever was about sex and intimacy.  It just isn't a healthy place for me, to self-medicate.  I am running away from what I want to be when I do that.   

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