Thursday, March 3, 2011

Tell Me Lies Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

It starts here.  


I read this posting today and I was floored by the fact that something I've been so crushingly ashamed of actually has a reasonable basis in logic and reason.  If I look at it with some honesty (ironic?) I would say that my lying falls into two parts of the definition.  First, I am over honest.  I spill everything and anything about some of my more intimate details very easily.  This blog is somewhat an evidence of that, if I consider it fully.  It is certainly evidence of a lack of practice with boundaries and understanding what "normal" is.  The other area that strikes me is the grandiosity lies.  It strikes me very much as a need to prop myself up and be seen as more than I feel I am.  Which if I take a breath for two seconds and look at what I've accomplished in life, in terms of professional and personal, there is no need for a prop.  But I can't shake that sense of drowning in the juices of my own stew.  I have nothing to be ashamed of for who I am on the inside, and that's something I need to grasp with both hands.  Maybe I wasn't born this way, but I sure earned it.

I am very tired again.  Emotionally worn out, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I am working hard with muscles that I've frankly never to very rarely used.  I want to keep going, to move forward, more and more, but I am tiring quickly.  I am still doing my three things every day, and it feels good.  Somewhere on my list of next baby steps is my physical fitness level, but I am only cautiously stepping towards that one.

Realizing that I am a normal product of the chaos I grew up in is a safe feeling.  I like safe.  


  1. "Realizing that I am a normal product of the chaos I grew up in is a safe feeling. I like safe."

    Love this line. So true. :)

  2. I constantly battle that drive to change or withhold information a bit to make me seem a little better than I really am. I'm not sure where it comes from, and have been trying to get rid of it for almost as long as I can remember. I did it once in second grade, and even at the time, I remember wishing I hadn't and wondering why I had. I'm generally good a restraining it now, but it still comes up sometimes and requires a bit of a fight to keep it down.

    I'm glad you're starting to find some peace with things, even if just in little bits.